By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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