I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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