Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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