I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
