the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
