She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
