I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
