Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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