My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
