my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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