My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
