How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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