If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
