mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
