he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
