Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The feeling are messing with the penis
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
