i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize