4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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