in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
