I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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