i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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