She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
