i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my poor anus
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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