you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
