so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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