i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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