my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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