just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
