Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
