Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
