"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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