youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
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