One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
