Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
