Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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