why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
