I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
