Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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