I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
