I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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