Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
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