Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
