His pubic hair was longer than his dick
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There r osticjed everywhere
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
