you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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