shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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