I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
