Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
