I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
