dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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