...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
