R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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