New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
