Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
