I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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