"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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