i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
