Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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