My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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