so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
